Thus you shall go to the stars
by handfulofclouds
Summary: Being the kind of guy who does not belive in half measures, Naruto will go to great lenths to save the man he loves; and when he succeeds, it will make up for the things he'd lost along the way. Naruto/Shikamaru slash; Complete.
1. Chapter 1

He came to Konoha from the East; a dark-clad figure with a walking stick and a mask that obscured the face below empty eye sockets almost completely in the old fashion, sinister way. He approached slowly, with a limp, raising heaps of fallen leaves of off the ground with his awkward right foot. Oily aura of unease draped him like an old blanket; being on a worst side of bad more than once Shikamaru sensed the suppressed hostility seeping through the holes; felt the hatred in the marrow of his bones rolling of off the stranger in waves.

It seemed the man did not try nearly hard enough to appear anything rather than what he truly was – trouble. Trouble like Shikamaru had never seen before.

His fingers clenched around the soft pack of smokes, but he decided against it and in the end. Jammed a blade of yellowed grass in his mouth, and shot Chouji a warning look.

" Do not. " It signaled in a language only the two of them understood:" Let him pass. "

"I am here to see the Hokage."

One of the man's sockets seemed deeper probably due to the infection that had eaten the remaining flesh inside the cavity a very, very long time ago, - a hollow cavern layered with fleshy, thick scar tissue. Shikamaru willed away the feeling of dread that sparked in the pit of his stomach and traveled quickly upwards to take a chocking hold on his throat. Man, he hated the Gate Duty. He would rather be out on the field with a mission. He would rather be at home waiting for Chouji to bring some deep fried snacks so they could play shogi and pretend that there was not anything strange about Shikamaru coughing up blood and occasional chunk of lung tissue every fifteen minutes; he would rather be getting a new tattoo or enjoying the sticky darkness of the dingy little place on the outskirts of Konoha where he came too often of late, for a quick , semi-satisfying hook up.

Visitor's voice, much to Shikamaru's surprise, rang like a clear spring creek on the hottest of summer days, and just as young. He could be anywhere from thirty to eighty years old. He could be as young as Shikamaru, or as old as Tsunade; His age, however, did not change the underlying fact that his intensions were anything but good.

"Is he expecting you?"

"He had been expecting me for a very long time, I would think." Visitor rested wrinkled eyelids over the mass of old scar tissue and regarded Shikamaru with silence that spoke of imminent victory. "Here." After a few seconds of rummaging in the breast pocket oh his black, loose tunic and he produced a scroll with Naruto's signature scribbled at the bottom. Great. What did this idiot get himself into now?

"All right." Shikamaru granted handing the letter back without taking his time to examine the signature. He would recognize that chicken scratch anywhere.

Man accepted it with his gloved fingers and carefully put the scroll back where it came from. Shikamaru still did not move aside from his spot at the post.

"Let me pass, boy."

His voice this time took a slightly more dangerous quality; it seemed to be a warning in itself.

"I need to see your face."

"Are you sure about that?"

He leaned close towards Shikamaru to allow the two of them grater privacy.

"I've been through two wars. I survived. There is very little left in this world that can scare me."

"I've heard that before."

Man replied and let the mask drop. Shikamaru swallowed. He did see many things – he was not lying about that. But never before had he looked in the very face of evil and voluntarily allowed it entrance inside his village. He hoped Naruto knew what he was doing. His gut, however, told him otherwise. They went a long way back, the Rokudaime and him.

"I don't like it." Chouji echoed his thoughts following the hunched figure distrustfully. "I don't like it at all."

"I am surrounded by idiots." Shikamaru agreed lighting up. Smocking did not help as much with nerves as it did when he just took on the habit after Asuma's death, but it still gave him a clearer perspective of things. It only seemed too bad that the same could not be said for his lungs.

" It's practically a given, man. You should've gotten used to it by now. " Chouji smirked and spit on the ground carpeted in fallen leaves in disgust. That familiar concerned look began to creep back into his eyes. Shikamaru felt guilty for making his friend worry – for not being able to make him worry less. "Just make sure you don't let yourself get involved with this, whatever the hell this is. You have your own problems to think about. "

Good old Chouji. He always did have Shikamaru's best interests at heart. But.

"I'll do my best." He assured, knowing that from the point the man entered the gates of Konoha dragging his lame foot, Shikamaru had no real control of things. Nor did he have a choice of not getting involved. Some things were just that – predestined. And fighting them only made it so much harder to cope with the consequences.

"You gonna talk to him?"

Shikamaru could not help but wonder sometimes if Chouji's concern went just a tad farther than mere friendship, yet he discarded the notion as silly every time.

"I am."

"Not the best idea of yours."

"You have a better one?"

"You are not his keeper, Shikamaru. Let him deal with his mess himself."

"I am not his keeper, but I am still his friend." Shikamaru said lightly, with that diffusing dangerous discussion to a simmer. " We are all …friends."

"Speak for yourself." Chouji gave him a tight smile and a nod. " And be careful, yeah?"

"Ok." Shikamaru sighed." Ok."

"

"So what exactly am I agreeing too?" The sharp of Naruto's pen hovered over the cream sheet of paper with innocent looking black letters.

"Just what we discussed. Nothing more, nothing less. "

"My eyes for the map to Sasuke's prison."

"Oh, I've no use for your eyeballs, honorable lord Hokage." Man replied, malice in his voice masterfully concealed by indifference. "Just your eyesight."

In the corner by the window, Shikamaru smoked like a chimney having long figured out who the hell they were dealing with. The warden of the Prison Hidden in the Snow; A shaman; once a rogue ninja who struck a deal to guard the Tower of Despair to avoid prosecution and the loss of his own freedom; A man of a thousand and fifty jutsus and very, very, dangerous enemy to have.

He darkly observed the scene unfolding in front of his eyes in Hokage's office, still seething from earlier conversation with Naruto.

"_So, who is he?" Naruto accused brimming, brimming, brimming with tension behind his desk piled with scrolls, papers, unfinished tea and double dipped chocolate cookies. Cookies and candy everywhere. A true sign that Hokage was going through a rough patch. _

_Shikamaru frowned, hands crossed over the uniform clad chest. For the first time in two years they were alone – like that. No friends, no wives, no advisers whispering into Naruto's ear, no Chouji or Sakura nearby. _

"_Who is who, Naruto?"_

_Give it to Naruto to throw him out of balance in a span of two seconds._

"_They guy you are fucking. Does he even know what he is doing?"_

_Oh, for the love of…_

"_What makes you think he does not?"_

"_Oh, I don't know. The finger shaped marks on your wrists. Your throat that is black and blue below the collar, Shikamaru. I did not think you were so trusting with this type of stuff before. With just anyone." _

_When truly angry, Naruto was a frightening sight to behold. Shikamaru reddened and instinctively reached to cover the bruise on the side of his neck. _

"_It's none of your business." _

_Naruto eyed him, unhappily. Took an angry bite out slathered in chocolate pastry, chewed it like it was his worst enemy. If he enjoyed the taste, it did not show. On the contrary he seemed to be more pissed then before – like Shikamaru was the one who summoned a suspicious man of questionable morale to break an A list criminal out of prison. After all these years of seemingly peaceful coexistence they were back to square one – or maybe never left it to begin with. _

"_Look." Shikamaru approached the desk, planted both hands on the clattered surface hovering slightly above Naruto's face. "While it may be none of your business who I am fucking, since you are not my… anything anymore… It's still my business what stupid things you getting yourself into, because I am, first and foremost, your friend. Always will be. Better discuss this new acquaintance of yours…. and what you are getting into." _

"_Are you gonna try to talk me out of it?" Naruto asked reaching to trace the largest bruise below the collar of Shikamaru's uniform shirt in a soothing motion meant to pacify, blue eyes as hypnotizing as any python's. "I will kill him if he hurts you, you know." He continued, suddenly gripping the back of Shikamaru's neck, bringing their faces close together no more than half an inch apart. Shikamaru winced when Naruto's fingers probed the tender flesh of a mark from the night before, the minty chocolate breath face making him dizzy and sickly hot. This side of him, the crueler, angrier, colder, - grown up side of Naruto, Shikamaru was pretty sure, was rarely flaunted to anyone in such brazen fashion. "Whoever the fuck he is. But it better not be Chouji. Because I would hate to hurt him." _

_Shikamaru jerked free and took a step back making a distance between himself and the desk. Naruto only laughed, that bastard._

"_It's not Chouji. Get your mind out of the gutter, Naruto. And tell me about your new friend." Promise_

"

So Naruto found a way to find Sasuke after all; the boy was nothing but resourceful. Stubborn, too. Still in love with that idiot who will never fully appreciate the full extent of Naruto's sacrifice. The last thought sent a hundred shurikens inside Shikamaru's heart and sprayed acid over the fresh welts. Not the jealousy – he was long past that – but the anger laced with disappointment. He hated to see a good man go to waste.

"How the hell will I get there if I can't see anything?"

He looked wholesome and entirely too impervious to the hardships ahead - and the nostalgic echo of old longing worried the edges of Shikamaru's soul before letting go. He did not like to dwell on the past, usually – at least not much – but the past had a nasty habit of sometimes sneaking up on him without warning. If Naruto experienced any sort of torment over his decision, or regret, it did not show. There stood the man who made his own destiny, and nobody in the entire world, not even Sasuke who he was willing to sacrifice so much for, could change his mind at this point.

Shaman shrugged, indifferently, pulling on the end of black scarf that worked as a makeshift mask for him today. Shikamaru again wondered how on earth the bastard could still speak, missing the whole jaw and a working mouth.

"Having gone to such lengths to obtain this map, I am confident your resourcefulness won't fail you this time around, Naruto Sama. You will find a way. " He offered after few moments of silence. The sound of his voice, too bored to be sincere, gritted on Shikamaru's nerves. "I suggest bringing a loyal seeing guide dog with you. But really….it's not my problem. I don't have all day. Your village does not want me here; I am tired of fighting it."

"All right." Naruto's eyes fell over the backdrop of the Hokage Mountain outside the grand window, fizzing blue and purple clouds crowding the etched in stone faces. "All right. You've got yourself a deal."

"Let me see this again." Shikamaru growled snatching a paper away from his hands.

"Nothing new has appeared in there since five minutes ago." Shaman began to sounding annoyed. "Like I said – am not making you do anything, Lord Hokage. You are the one who found me. So if you please just make you decision so that I can be on my way."

"He is giving you his eyes." Shikamaru snapped. "The least you can do is to sit quiet while I make sure you don't take anything more than he is willing to give."

Startled, Naruto looked up at him signaling to shut up; but strangely enough, the shaman listened.

Naruto wanted that map more than anything in the world – Shikamaru could see it clear as a day. He would trade more for it if asked, not just the eyesight. But he could also see how much the maimed warden needed Naruto's eyes – and that desire went even further then Rokudaime's desire for the map.

"I am coming with you."

Was all he said when the door closed behind the man and Naruto sat motionless and blind behind his desk, pale from shock of suddenly losing his eyesight. He looked like he wanted to vomit, and Shikamaru gently placed a glass of water inside his half opened hand. Sighed when Naruto did not drink it, put it back on the table next to half eaten bag of double dipped chocolate cookies. They had to be baked to order; no respectable baker would put such abysmal amount of chocolate on any pastry, let alone rice cookies.

"If you only had half as much determination to save me." he wanted to laugh, or to cry, he was not really sure which. "I would live to be two hundred years old."

In a silence of the room, wet sound of Shikamaru's cough sounded ominous and unmistakably incurable.

"Is that ever going away?" Naruto instantly asked turning his head towards the sound. "You need to get it checked out again."

"It's nothing." Shikamaru said shortly and tossed the bloodied napkin in to Naruto's bin. The boy was either an idiot, or unrelenting optimist, or both.

"Just because we are not fucking anymore." Naruto narrowed unseeing eyes." Does not mean I don't worry.."

"Worry about yourself, Naruto." Shikamaru interrupted ignoring the whole subject of fucking altogether." And let me come with you.'

Shining over the Hokage's desk, spread light of the moon in the shade of palest yellow coming through the window from outside illuminated Naruto's face, gliding gently over the blond fringe and the slightly upturned nose. Brat. Almost twenty five years old and still an insufferable child with a heart on his sleeve. If not for his innate laziness, Shikamaru might have tried – a long time ago – to stop have these feelings for him; now, it was too late; and to be perfectly honest with himself, it probably would not have worked in the first place;

"I will love you." He though in a in a moment of weakness that passed through his soul like a quickening of emotion before he was able to flatten I down to a dull ache." – Until the day I die. But I can't be… your second best… no matter how much I might want too."

"Why?" Naruto still sounded suspicious. " Why do you want to come with me?

"To row your boat. To read that map of yours, and not let you step into the dog's shit too often. If you thought you could do it alone, and blind, you are a bigger idiot then I imagined. And after all…" Shikamaru hesitated, slow smile animating tired features at once." I am the most loyal seeing guide dog that I know."

Sensing the subtle change in his mood, Naruto too, smiled. To avoid the sight of him, Shikamaru turned to face the wall that had not been repainted since Tsunade's times. A boy just did not have enough sense in him to let go – or maybe nobody ever showed him how.

"Fine." Naruto uttered after a while, worrying the inside of his cheek – old habits die hard. " Fine. You can come. But you have to promise one thing. "

"Anything."

"Once we reach the Tower – you have to turn around and go back home. No questions asked. I don't want to have another fight with you – especially over this. You have to promise me you will leave me, and you will return home the minute I say that you must."

"If this is what you want, this is what you are going to get."

What Naruto did not know, did not hurt him, and Shikamaru did not feel the least guilty for lying.

"

"_Two years." Tsunade said, while stifling unwelcome moans Shikamaru waited for old hag to finish examining his lungs. It hurt. Her cold fingers; the series of flashes of probing blue chakra light above his ribcage inside the throbbing chest cavity; the resolute expression on her face when the examination stopped. _

"_That's it?' he could not help it but to feel somewhat.. cheated. _

"_You asked." She shrugged, droopy eyelids hanging over watery, washed out gold of her eyes. " You should 've known better, Shikamaru."_

_Shikamaru scowled, kneaded burning chest out of habit – and allowed himself few minutes for the news to set it. _

"_Why does everyone always assume that I know better?"_

_Tsunade smiled_ _placing a steaming cup of tea on a timber tabletop in front of him._

" _The Nine Tails… he would of protected Naruto … you knew that, did not you? _

"_I did." Shikamaru admitted. He traced a delicate flower pattern on the rounded side of a dainty tea cup with his fingernail, deep in thought. _

" _Then why still go after him?"_

" _I just was not hundred percent certain."_

"_People rarely ever are, Shikamaru." The old woman suggested in a gentler manner than usual. "Living a life is not the same as playing shogi. Sometimes you have to take the chance and let the fate do the rest."_

"_Not with Naruto's life. I could never take a chance with that."_

"_And now you are paying for it, boy. And this is only the beginning."_

"

"We live tomorrow morning, then."

"The sooner, the better."

He had some time left, Shikamaru thought mulling over the fact, blueprint of a plan materializing inside his head like an intricate jigsaw puzzle. And even though not unexpected, piercing pain that shot through his right lung still came as a huge disappointment. Oh, goody. Less time than he originally counted on, but some. After Sasuke was free… once Sasuke was free once again… it would be his job to keep Naruto happy.

TBC in Part Two.

P.S. I realize that this might not be the most popular pairing out there… but I don't think Shikamaru is getting the attention he deserves, and I am absolutely besotted with him… so here we go

If you did not completely hate it - any feedback in appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

Like a bird with shattered wings savoring the last hours of dwindling lifecycle, Shikamaru smoked the night away perched on the parapet oh his roof. The frosty air of autumn that rolled into Konoha early this year felt refreshingly cool on his bare skin; invigorating. Chased away the sticky lethargy brought on by the illness that made him stay in bed past eleven; made him not want to go out and see people; not care about things like autumn, and chilly weather, and stars, anymore.

Come morning, before the first call of a rooster, the beginning of the last days of his life would start to unravel; but he still had tonight. The fairy-tale view of the sky lit from inside by an array of beautiful stars enthralled him, - too bad most fairytales Shikamaru knew could end on a happier note.

Pain in his chest would let him sleep; pain in his heart would not let him think; the woeful longing made him remember things that have long passed.

"

Their "dance" as Shikamaru liked to call it, began when they were seventeen.

By the time the Fourth War ended, Naruto's partnership with remaining members of his team came to an end. Naturally and quite unremarkably. While Sai provided much needed comfort to Sakura, Naruto, running out of the ideas to save Sasuke, decided to pursue his political career. He still tried to find ways to bring him back on his spare time, but by that point Sasuke was beyond saving, - at least in the most conventional meaning of the word.

Naruto moped around a lot, slept around a lot, and hanged out with Shikamaru a lot. Tsunade was getting ready to retire; she gave him a year to put his affairs in order, and then he would need to start working; really working, she'd said. He was not sure if he still wanted to be the next Hokage, - scared to death that he was beyond the point when it was his decision to make. In the midst of all the turmoil, they somehow become very close_. Close__ friends_. Shikamaru could not really find any other word for it – even though this abbreviation too, for the bigger part, seemed be incorrect.

"

"I need a scar."

"To reaffirm you masculine vigor?"

"Yeah.'

Shikamaru laughed, propping himself up on his elbows to level with Naruto's face. The Hokage in works looked imposing enough already - why he had doubts about it was anybody's guess.

When they were much younger, he did not really believe Naruto would successfully carry his adolescent charm into adulthood - boys rarely ever did. Just look at Kiba's surly mug or Neji's severe features that somehow gut even gruffer with time. But… Naruto… Naruto always surprised the shit out of everyone that knew him. At fourteen, he was still cute as a button, grinning face constantly striving to please; two more years later matured splendor emerged from beneath the grin, - and just like that, overnight, Naruto became an instant hit. He never got a fat head about it, but did not take it for granted either.

At eighteen, when he held Konoha council on the palm of his hand toying with the idea of an ultimate control over the village, it was mostly the oppressive air of authority that people noticed; He was still Naruto, but only to Shikamaru - to accommodate his friend's ideas of acceptable behavior of a leader. Naruto himself stopped worrying about what other people thought of him a long time ago; which, Shikamaru supposed, was a right thing to do.

"You don't need a scar. Get a haircut."

"Oh?

Naruto reached to tug lightly on Shikamamru's hair. Shikamaru scowled shying away from the touch, still allowing Naruto toy with glossy, springy end of his pony tail.

" Take the tie out. I want to see how long it is."

"No."

"Prude."

"Am not."

"Let me see your hair… please…"

Not the word Naruto liked to throw around often. Reluctantly, Shikamaru met his eyes. Saw the question in them he did not have an answer to because he did not figure it out yet himself; if ever.

"What?" He asked, uncomfortable. Maybe Naruto was right – maybe he was a prude; but it's not like he ever had anything with a guy before.

Naruto let go of the hair. His eyes that seemed eerily light on bronzed face grew colder, more distant. If Shikamaru did not know better he could have sworn Naruto seemed hurt buy his brush off.

"Nothing."

With that, Naruto flipped on his stomach and buried his face in the bed of grass.

"_There are only so many times I can tell him to piss off before he gives me what I want."_

But they agreed not to go down that road – chemistry, and the pull, and the attraction notwithstanding. The only problem, Shikamaru sometimes had trouble remembering why;

"

"_He will sink you like the toy ship loaded up with rock pebbles and make you like it." _

_Ino warned him more often than Shikamaru liked to hear. _

"_I know."_

"_Walk away, Shika. Walk away before it's too late." _

"_It's already too late."_

_She already told him, once – the time after he came back from Suna and Temari became a thing of the past._

" _Picky, picky. Even the most beautiful kunoichi of our time ended up being … not good enough for you.' _

_She announced, hands crossed over the ample breasts. _

"_Whatever." _

_Shikamaru waved her off._

"_When you left me… I thought you've actually fallen for her. I guess I was wrong." _

"_Come on, Ino. Men don't fall." _

"_Of course they do."_

_Shikamaru sighed, impatiently, massaging his aching temples. _

"_I don't." _

"_Not yet; But when you do – when you really do fall for someone, Shikamaru, you going to fall so hard you will break you scrawny neck, landing." _

"_Sounds terrible. " He remarked, grasping the diameter of said neck with his fingers. It did not feel that scrawny to him. "But it won't happen. I am too… reasonable…and possess a supremely logical mind." _

_Ino only snorted, not amused_.

"

He still, had fallen; fallen for Naruto despite the reasoning of his supremely logical mind, - hook, line, and sinker. And even the landing, –even the landing now did not seem like such a terrible of a thing to him; not anymore.

"

"Shikamaru." Naruto patted his back in soothing, circular motion, while Shikamaru leaned over the fence outside of Chouji's house, " You are such a fucking lightweight. You get drunk just from inhaling the fumes from Chouji's breath. How much did you have to drink?

"I don't remember." Shikamaru moaned, feeling like the biggest of idiots.

"Your hair tie is missing."

"Naruto." He raised his head meeting Naruto's eyes with his own, pained ones. "My hair is the least of my problems right now."

It's not like Naruto have not seen it down before; they shared communal showers in Shinobi barracks after a mission more often than once; sometimes he would get a freaking migraine, and freed the silky main to let the aching scalp rest; why, throughout the years it remained the key focus of Naruto's fascination, Shikamaru could only guess.

"Come on, wimp."

"Naruto. " Shikamaru spit some of his dinner mixed with stomach acid on the ground, and stood up with a moan. "You will be the death of me."

"I did not think you were so scared of dying." Naruto taunted, buzzed hair glowing white in the moonlight. "Come on. Let's get you some water."

"I am not." Shikamaru let go of the fence and stood up almost toppling over on the spot. "…Afraid of dying."

Naruto laughed, steadying him. Readily, Shikamaru clutched the unyielding, steel biceps with clammy fingers and with a low sigh rested his head on Naruto's chest. True; he was a lightweight; but Naruto found the worst time to bring that up.

"Come on baby. You smell like the sewer. You are dehydrated. Let's get you inside the house."

"I can't…walk."

"I know."

Like he would with a bride snatched from the middle of a wedding, Naruto threw Shikamaru's drunken weight over his shoulder and carried him inside Chouji's house, swinging the door open with his foot. Like Shikamaru was one of his fucking _girlfriends_. Chouji scowled at their entrance; nodded his head reluctantly as a sigh of respect to Hokage, and went on with the drinking.

Naruto put him on the worn couch and carefully brushed loose tresses away from his face; tied it in low ponytail, threading knowing fingers through damp locks in a poised, no-nonsense manner, at the same time mindful enough not to disturb Shikamaru's shaky equilibrium. If he lingered too long while doing it, Shikamaru was too drunk – or weak to protest; nothing ever felt so good before.

Weary of Naruto's unexpected company, people at Chouji's party hushed up. Nobody approached them; nobody said anything, save for the reserved greetings; nobody else dared to come to Shikamaru's aid. He was Naruto's to take care of, and Naruto's alone – would be beyond stupid to argue the point. Even Chouji seemed reluctant to try.

This was, after all, their Rokudaime. The unmatched leader of Konoha that led them through two wars, and won; the most powerful man in Shinobi World. Whatever Naruto wanted, he did, and nobody was the wiser.

"Be careful." Chouji warned Shikamaru the next day, unhappy frown gathered between reddish eyebrows." Just… be careful.'

"

"You know it's going to happen…"

Naruto dropped offhandedly when Shikamaru allowed himself another night of drinking inside the locked doors of Hokage's big, uninhibited house. He built in the secluded spot isolated from the rest of the village where the narrow mouth of the River and Konoha Forest met. Surrounded by evergreens, looking out on the turbulent waters outside his windows that beat against the posts of the tall fence during rainy season, Naruto lived here for years. He claimed that he liked it; Shikamaru had his doubts.

"Really?"

"…I know it's going to happen. Even the kids in the village know it's going to happen. Would it be so bad to just let go… and give in?"

On the other side of the table, Shikamaru glared at him over the squared, kaya surface of a shogi board.

"Just for me. You'll be all right, I think."

"You are too smart, Shikamaru." Naruto teased with just a slight trace of mockery. This side of him, Shikamaru liked the least. He brought their faces to together by catching once again the longish end of his tail and yanking it forward." But you are yet to figure out one thing."

Crystalline blue of Naruto's eyes took on a bewitching quality when up close, luring Shikamaru inside their depth ,out of which, he was certain, he would never find a way back.

"What thing is that, Naruto?"

"…No matter how difficult; no matter how long it takes me, or what obstacles I have to overcome, – I always… always get what I want. "

'Always..?

Shikamaru mused, throat getting tight when Naruto traced the outline of his mouth with a feather light caress, bearing sharper than normal canines in a winning, indubitable sort of smile.

"Always."

"

Bundled up to his ears in a fox fur parka Naruto greeted Shikamaru with a frown.

"These things will kill you, you know."

He stated, referring to the smoke coming from the smoldering tip of a cigarette.

"You don't say."

"I thought I was the stupid, reckless one, and you were the clever, level-headed one."

"Things change."

Naruto huffed.

"Say Naruto… What does Nine Tail says about you using his relative to keep your ass warm?"

"He says if he had any say on the matter, he would be wearing my skin instead."

Shikamaru took Naruto by the elbow and guided his step towards murky waters of the River where their small dinghy waited for them tied to a nearest tree. The frosty morning air had his lungs contract painfully,- or more painfully than usual. He could deal with it, still; without the aid of Tsunade's green powder he seemed to be using more often than he originally intended, of late. Tsunade warned him to make it last till the end – when he would really need it. She'd said she did not have the ingredients to make anymore. He said he would try.

Unpleasant, profound feeling of frustration set in, adding the final edge of disappointment to his tired thoughts. Deep inside he agreed with Naruto's line of thinking –that besides foolish talk, Sasuke never really done anything fundamentally wrong to deserve such harsh sentence. And it had been harsh; chillingly so. But did he ever do anything good? To bring this kind of devotion out people, out of Naruto? If he did, Shikamaru certainly did not recall a single deed. He never asked Naruto – why. He supposed people did not really need a reason to love someone – even if that someone was a coldhearted bastard. So, he never asked, then.

But they had a long way to go, Naruto and him, before reaching the end of the world in a far-away land filled entirely with too much white, and ice, and unfamiliar, where Sasuke's prison stood. With no one but each other for company, with nothing better to do then talk. Maybe he would ask, now. And maybe, Naruto would answer.

"


	3. Chapter 3

_**Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.**_

_**W. Clement Stone**_

"

"_But I am just this… quite, smart guy. Why, out of all people, would he want me?" _

"_Some people find quiet, smart guys really hot, Shika. I wanted you."_

_With a soft smile, Ino patted Shikamaru's head in motherly fashion. Not being able to find anything to argue with, Shikamaru sighed. _

"_What am I to do, Ino ?"_

"_I was never his biggest fan; you know that." She pursed her lips trying not to pass judgment and only half way succeeding. " But… If you don't want him – walk away; If you do - act on it. But do something, Shikamaru, before he will. If you push him far enough, he will do something you will both regret. He is… that stupid."_

_Shikamaru sighed again twisting the longish end of the pony tail around his index finger in a decade old habit. Thinking; contemplating; analyzing; _

"_Stop it. "Ino ordered at once. "Stop it. Forget about what your brain says. Listen to your heart."_

"_My heart only knows that it wants him. It does not have any idea about future risks and past loves." _

"_That's what love is all about, silly. If you are not ready to chance it all, it's probably not the real thing. You love him, don't you?"_

"_More …than ever thought I could. _

"_Well, then; Take my advice – shoot for the moon; because in my eyes, landing between stars is not such a horrible second option."_

"_What is that supposed to mean?_

"_Love, even when unrequited, is the biggest gift you can ever receive. Better to experience happiness loving somebody and never have them, then never love at all.' _

_Woman and their logic, or to be precise – lack of it. One of the reasons why Shikamaru could not imagine himself with one. _

"_Trust me; I know what I am talking about."_

_Somewhere inside the house, Ino's daughter wailed, and then after few seconds settled back to sleep, quieting down completely. Shikamaru eyes fell at the picture of Ino's husband, - a quiet, shy Shinobi he'd only met once. He was killed shortly after their child was born, tortured for days and then set on fire after the undercover operation to infiltrate Akatsuki forces gone sour. Maybe Ino did know. Maybe lack of logic sometimes was better than too much of it, after all._

"_You need to get yourself a man."_

_He suggested forgetting about his own troubles for the time being._

"_You wanna get back together?"_

_Shikamaru snorted; raised from his chair and planted a quick kiss on the top of bent, streaked with silver head. _

"_Not in a million years, woman. I'd rather take my chances with Naruto."_

_Seemingly humored by his remark she got up to check on her daughter, giving him a farewell hug and a slap on his shoulder._

" _I am rooting for you, boy."_

_As usual, she'd taken Naruto out of the equation, as if he did not exist at all. _

"

The sultry music of a traveling band coming from a dimly lit corner of the bar made Shikamaru feel uneasy; uncomfortable, to be precise, like he was sixteen years old again and visiting the only brothel in Konoha for the first time. Force-fed traditional values with his mother's milk he never learned to enjoy these kinds of places; never relaxed in them, never appreciated what his friends came here for. The very idea of woman trading sexual favors with married men for a couple of yen never sat right with his overbearing conscience. Maybe Naruto was right – maybe he was a prude – but he was too old, and too set in his own ways to do anything about it; nor that he wanted too.

"It's just a job." Chouji liked to explain with most convincing expression." Like any other job. Some girls choose to be kunoichi, some, - housewives, and some…."

"Whores?" Shikamaru inquired with a climb of inky eyebrows."Uhuh.'

"Why not?

"I don't see why yes, is all."

"You know Shikamaru… your mother is not … around anymore. You don't need to prove your virtue to her, or to anyone else. Relax, and live a little, man."

"This is not about my mother."

"The hell it is not. Don't let her insane ideas rule your life, too. Your father suffered enough for both of you, ehh?"

"Are you saying I am purposely behaving in certain way to please my dead mother?"

"I am saying get that stick out of your ass, and go take a shot."

Shaking rusty mane in exasperation Chouji walked away pointing with crooked thumb over his shoulder towards the bar.

Not as if Shikamaru could please her – no matter how hard he tried, he never would be able to live up to her expectations. Especially when he came to realize that there was no way he could have changed the fact that he craved, actively pursued, and had sex with men. Telling her though… that had been, in a way, a big mistake.

The dance poles situated strategically around every card table made Shikamaru's skin prickle with pins and needles of unidentified danger, almost like he was in the middle of a mission in the enemy land he never stepped a foot in before. Trouble was brewing in the humid air of the bar heavy with perfume and perspiration, trouble with Hokage's' name attached to it. Who did not approach him yet, did not move from his spot at the card table where a naked girl poured beer in his glass, third and counting. Naruto made an idle conversation with her thigh, one hand on her ass, eyes firmly fastened to the side of Shikamaru's head making the spot tingle with pressure. He furiously scowled inside the honey depth of his own drink, and stared back in annoyance, instant air of challenge flaring up inside, quick and hot. This is how it's been with them lately – one minute they were fine, carefully threading the unfamiliar waters, the second at each other's throats, each trying to prove to another who knows what. Something had to give, soon, and tonight seemed to as good of a night as any.

"Shikamaru." Naruto slid behind the table across, toothy grin not quite reaching his eyes. "See anything you like?"

"No."

By the glazed, distant look in Naruto's eyes, Shikamaru could tell that Hokage seemed to in one of his moods; not that Nine Tails had any real power over him, or Naruto could not successfully fight him – it's just that sometimes he simply did not bother.

"Right. Too many women. I forgot, they don't turn you on, Say… does_ anything_? Does _anyone_?"

"Shut up, Naruto;" Shikamaru warned shortly, in a low, even voice, without raising his eyes from the deck of card in his hands. "Before it's too late and you wake up hating yourself tomorrow."

"Oh, but the night is young."

With a deliberate squint Naruto brought his watch wrist closer to his face.

Shikamaru shot him a dark look. So this is the way Naruto wanted to play. Fine. Maybe he needed some good ass kicking to return to his senses – or maybe they both needed it. Why fight the inevitable?

"A game? "Naruto finally said sounding bored. "Just me and you?"

" Fine.'

"If I win, I get to make a wish.'

"You won't win."

He ignored the inaudible warning in Chouji's eyes asking, begging him not to take the bait. But Shikamaru liked a good challenge as much as the next guy, and taking Naruto's terrible luck in consideration he felt himself to be in a pretty secure territory. The current Hokage inherited Tsunade's name of a legendary sucker after all;

"Fine."

"Fine."

He did not like cards as much as he liked shogi, but still he played to beat the boredom, and sometimes to please Naruto when they were alone. Naruto sucked. He never won, not once, not even when Shikamaru tried to downplay himself and give him hints. Naruto simply did not see them. He would get mad, and stop thinking altogether – a famous temper that made people of Konoha sleep well at night. Every time Naruto lost Shikamaru only laughed, offering him to play against Tsunade instead. Naruto sulked and cooked food, and after they were fed and half way drunk, Shikamaru always ended up with strangely unsettled feeling, like he was left the biggest loser of all.

How Naruto had won tonight, or what means he used to do that, Shikamaru never wanted to know.

"It better not be about my hair.'

He warned, heartbeat picking up the frenzied pace with every passing` second.

"It's not."

Naruto grinned, a wide and ridiculously gorgeous grin, and pointed towards the dance pole with a slight movement of his head.

And just like that, Shikamaru knew that his life after this would never be the same; with his mouth clamped shut he stared straight ahead inside the glacial depth of Naruto's eyes, waiting for them to thaw; the moment never came.

"Dance, for me, Shikamaru.'

"

There was this Shinobi who traveled through Konoha some years back that found this kind of thing really hot. Shikamaru did not mind doing it for him – in the privacy of their own bedroom, of course. They dated for the whole three month, so by the time they went their separate ways Shikamaru became quiet proficient in it; he kind of liked it, actually. But once again, in the privacy of his own bedroom. Here – with his childhood friends and comrades, Chouji for fucks sake, Naruto, – watching, he did not know how he would be able to look any of them in the eye tomorrow. And Naruto knew it, that bastard, this affinity for privacy that Shikamaru had, his reluctance to flaunt anything about himself – neither his mind, his soul, or his body. And he still dared… to ask him to undress in front of the room fool of people, friends and strangers alike, and play a fucking whore.

"Are you out of your mind?'

Turning around to face Naruto, white from fury, Chouji's voice rang loud and clear in the still silence of the bar. Even the band stopped playing, and the owner hovering not too far away from their table froze on the spot.

"How cute. Best friend to the rescue. Or are you two more then friends now days? Did I miss something, Shikamaru?"

"Chouji." Shikamaru advised, intense look passing between Naruto and him like a strike of lightning gone bad. "Shut up. I can handle this."

"As you wish." With a loud noise he stood up from the table, and walked out of the bar shaking his head." But I am not staying to watch this. This is fucking _boolshit._'

One by one, his friends followed Chouji's stride, afraid to leave and anger Naruto, a lot more afraid to stay. In a span of five minutes the whole place emptied, save for the band, all too curious strippers, and the owner.

"Would you like a private room, Hokage Sama?"

The owner asked, signaling for the girls to bring more drinks to their table.

"Yeah." Naruto shrugged." I think I would. Make sure the music is loud enough though. It's just not the same without it."

"

"Oh, you fucking, fucking asshole."

He did not even feel the pain at the point of impact when his hand connected with Naruto's jaw sending him stammering back several steps to sag heavily against the wall.

"Ouch."

Naruto's hand came back smeared with blood from his split lip that was dripping profusely on the hardwood floors making a small size paddle. Shikamaru charged again, and this time caught him on the left side of his cheek, before Naruto finally got a hold of his hands, and with unfathomable amount of strength twisted them behind Shikamaru's back, holding them firmly together while waiting for him to come down. His lip still bled, some of it getting on Shikamaru's naked chest and belly.

"You know, you should've at least gotten dressed first."

He said conversationally, paying no attention to his injuries, neither the lip, nor the cheek that was swelling up in a rapid progression threatening to close his left eye.

"I thought we were friends!"

Shikamaru hissed twisting free, way pass carrying about his current state of undress –what was there to care about at this point? Naruto saw everything there was to see, and some. Most of the guys he'd fucked, even they weren't shown as much as Naruto made him display tonight.

"We are." Naruto sighed and approached him carefully, like a skittish deer expected to bolt at any second, and then thrown a blanket over naked shoulders, urging Shikamaru to take it. "We are friends."

"I am just the guy you have not had yet. In the end, this is all it comes down too. It's true, is not it, Naruto?"

"It's not true, and you know it."

Bastard had … the audacity to look offended.

"All my friends… Chouji… what if they decided to stay? How would I look them in the eye, tomorrow? How… how would I work with Chouji after that? You fucking _know_ the way I am, Naruto, and you still did it!"

"They would leave." Naruto said in a sure voice that did not leave any room for doubt.

"And what if they did not? What if somebody stayed?"

"Then I would not have made you dance. I would've taken everything back. I do _know_ the way you are. But fuck… you've been doing this to me for years! You are so close all the time, close enough to touch, and when I finally reach, you slip away like I imagined you… like you'd never been… You don't say yes, but you don't say no either! What a guy to do, huh? You drive me so close to the wall, it's only a matter of time before I ram back! "

"Oh no, you don't…" Shikamaru took a step forward losing the blanket and stood naked once again, illuminated by the only lamp in the room shining down on him from the ornate ceiling. There was no heater, only the draft from the hole in the window, cold air blowing over bare skin covered with goose bumps, drying tear trails on his cheeks, his limp cock, but he did not feel it, did not care about it, did not register the cold. "… Dare to make it all my fault, Naruto. You know why I won't be with you, you know better than anyone in the world… but you still push, and then it's my fault?"

"All I know..." Naruto uttered half brokenly. "… Is that I want you. I want you, and I've wanted you for years. I fall asleep with your name on my lips, and I wake up with it. All day when I am working, all I see in front of my eyes is your face. Every time you leave for a mission, I am crazy with worry, I pace the room, I don't eat, I don't rest, I can't think one straight thought when you are gone. I am jealous – jealous all the time – of everyone; even girls. I am so… in love with you, I will do anything - anything at all for you to notice me… and you still don't."

"You have to go."

His voice rang strange and hollow to his own ears, and he wanted nothing more than go home and sleep, and pretend all of this had been a bad dream.

"Shikamaru… Please. Not like this. Just… don't end it like this. Please. "

He saw Naruto cry, once, when Sasuke slipped away from them disappearing forever in the veil of red smoke from the explosion he had caused. That gut wrenching emotion of seeing Naruto suffer, and not being able to do anything about it, not a single thing, came back with a vengeance. If he had to see it again, he would not be able to walk away.

"I'll talk to you later, okay?"

Shikamaru picked up the blanket, and walking pass Naruto's motionless figure hurried out of the room, shaken by the tremors that had nothing to do with the temperature outside.

"

He was wearing an old hoodie that matched the pallid color of his skin and appeared aged five years since last night. Hands stuffed deep inside the pockets of loose pants Naruto threw an anguished look back at Shikamaru, bringing back memories from many years ago, of a lonely child he'd once met in a constant search for approval; so long in the past that it did not seem like the truth to him, anymore. Had Naruto been like this before? Unsure… Sad? Reticent?"

"What do you want?"

The sound of his voice carried a tired ring to it, like that of a wounded deer bleeding sluggishly on the snow.

"Can I come in?"

Naruto seemed to think about it, worrying the inside of a broken lip, with his teeth.

"I don't know." Came a hesitant, entirely too candid answer "Yeah. Maybe. Depends."

Shikamaru sighed. He deserved it, he supposed; even though he knew what he came here for – it was only fair if Naruto got better acquainted with the rules of the game.

"Depends on what?"

"On how long you will be stayin."

"How long do you want me to stay?

Naruto's directed a faint smile towards Shikamaru, too crooked because of the fat side of his lip, and shrugged, endearingly.

"How about forever?"

The spring had begun, but there were still strong winds coming from the North in gusts, and the chill in the air that Shikamaru felt deep inside his bones. He never promised anything to anyone that he knew he could not give, and today was no exception. Especially when some small part of him, despite all the evidence given, still believed that no matter what Naruto did or say, he was still hung up on Sasuke, and always would be.

"I did not think so."

"I'll stay for as long as you want me. If you still want me."

"You think something drastically changed since last night because you called me names and gave me a fat lip? That I am suddenly not in love with you, anymore, because of that?"

"Can we leave the love part alone? For now?"

"Fine." Naruto acceded, some of the tension leaving tired face, eyes growing warmer." Madly in lust."

"Naruto.. Are you still madly in lust with me?"

"Did I tell you that I love the way you say my name? Nobody makes it sound like you do."

"No." Shikamaru smiled just barely, with very corners of his mouth." You forgot to mention that."

"You can come in." Naruto's solid frame still blocked the entranceway to the house. 'But if you do, I want to tell you beforehand what's going to happen here. So there would not be any surprises anymore."

"Okay."

"If you come in… I will kiss you. I wanted too for years you know; we will kiss – but not for long, because even as much as I would want to finally savor the moment, memorizes your taste, and texture, and the ring of your desire… I won't have the patience for it._ I waited that long_; and then you will take that tie out so I can finally see those gorgeous, gorgeous locks of yours frame your face, uncomfortable but flushed from want at the same time. It will fall in slick wisps ending right above your shoulder blades, the whole magnificent mass of it; tickling the line of your collarbone, tips curling just slightly inwards. How long is your hair now, Shikamaru? It's been a while since I saw it down."

"It's exactly _that_ long."

"I thought so." Naruto paused, and brought his hand to play with the strings at the hem of Shikamamru's hoodie, lightly pulling on the ends to inch him closer. "Then I will tear your clothes off, because I'll have no patience to undress you, or to wait for you to undress; until there is not a stitch left on you. You know what it did to me, all these years, seeing you half naked, partially naked, completely naked, and not being able to touch? "

"What?

"It drove me mad."

"Sorry."

Shikamaru offered in a hitched whisper – the only half intelligent thing that came to his mind.

"I would like to tell you that out first time will be in bed, slow start and hours of foreplay… candles and some other romantic crap… oh, I want that – I want all of that with you… But we won't make it that far. Not the first time. The first time… we will do it in my living room in front of the fire place, on a bearskin rug, because this is the closest soft surface ahead. And it won't be slow, or gentle, or careful. I've been desperate to have you for so long, honey, this is your fault I won't be able to pace myself, even for a little bit. You want this, don't you, Shikamaru? Did you want this for a long time, too?"

He did want this. Of course he did.

"If you are trying to scare me, it is not working."

"Still want to come in, then?"

"I am turning into icicle here, Naruto. Let me in and warm me up."

"Okay."

Shikamaru brought his feet over the front porch and sighed contently, melting inside Naruto's warm, too possessive arms. The door behind him closed with a soft, meaningful click, the only sound that reminded Shikamaru that world still existed outside of this embrace, and that he still remained a part of it. There would be no way back; he was sure of it; nor that there was any other road but this that finally lead him to Naruto in such long, perplexing way. This is the way it had to be – the only way; Shikamaru now knew it. And he accepted it completely, with every small fiber of his soul that now seemed to click in perfect alignment with Naruto's own.

"

"I am cold."

Naruto complained mostly to get Shikamaru's attention and snuggled deeper inside orange furs. He looked absolutely– gorgeous - in the bluish hue of frosty air with snowy mountain peaks looming behind his back. Shikamaru's hand itched to run his fingers through short, blond hair, trace silver scar splitting the left side of his face, all the way from cheekbone to the middle of strong chin. Kiss away the frown from the pale lips, warm the cold nose with his own, hot breath.

"Gonna get even colder come tomorrow. We are getting closer."

"Only you know how to completely burst man's bubble."

"Hey. Don't blame the messenger."

It's been four days since they left Konoha and sailed over the mirror surface of steel colored waters of the connected lakes, the new one beginning where the other ended, until they all became one great, continual body of water in Shikamaru's eyes; freezing to the touch and gray in color, the solid underbelly hiding many feet below the bottom of their small boat. He never liked water much; it made him feel uneasy and small, helpless in a way he could not explain. Out of all the ways to die, he would hate drowning the most, he decided, observing Naruto's withdrawn expression, cheeks tinged with pink from the frost. A little longer, and the water would begin to freeze; they would need to make the rest of the way by foot.

"A question."

Shikamaru brought a match to the tip of a new cigarette, and inhaled, deeply. His lungs hurt more and more with every breath he took, making it harder to think, take small nap breaks, and row that stupid, stupid boat.

"What?" Naruto shivered, blind eyes seeking out Shikamaru's face." You finally want to talk to me?'

"What did he do?'

"Who?'

"Sasuke. What did he do… that was so good, that makes you to go to all this trouble to save him? I understand you don't need a reason to love somebody, but still… Sasuke is a selfish f bastard; all he'd done entire life was to hurt, disrespect, and step over the heads of people that cared for him. What did he do to make you to go to all this trouble to save him?.."

"Nothing." Naruto replied softly, dejectedly, making Shikamaru feel like he failed to grasp something very important in his answer; he should not have asked; it was none if his business, he should not have judged other people's feelings…Naruto's feelings. The only man he ever loved, and whose happiness mattered to him above all – above everything, really.

"Sorry. It is not any of my business."

"Nothing." Naruto carried on gazing up above Shikamaru's bent head into the winter sky, rich with array of colors ranging from the palest baby blues to the intense, deep indigo and harsh, cobalt hues. "This is why I am not doing this to save Sasuke. He is beyond saving, and honestly, I don't even know where the hell he is, and what he is doing."

"What?'

Shikamaru inhaled again. A bad, bad, bad feeling rose up from within, swift and final like a cloud of poisonous gas that destroyed his lungs, the pieces of a puzzle finally clicking together inside his head.

Naruto sighed, guiltily, and shrugged an all too familiar, endearing shrug.

"I am not doing this to save Sasuke, baby. I am doing this to save you."

"

_P.S. . There will be one more chapter after this one, making it four instead of two like I originally planned… I wanted to make this one a bit racier, but I know it's against the site's rules… so… it is what it is…_

"

"

"


	4. Chapter 4

_Since the day he'd lost his eyesight, Naruto's dreams had been in color; hues vivid and intense; more textured,- one shade bleeding languidly into another until they made an entirely new color palette. _

_When the dreams came about he felt to be inside somebody's fantastic painting. A resting state of conscious mind where he had not succumbed to sleep completely, yet had not been awake, either. _

_They did not come to him often; not like during his seeing days, -when he could dream of something every night, and then promptly forget about it come morning. He assumed there had to be some secret meaning to it – but never could find the time to analyze it. These days, Naruto had been an exceptionally – busy man. _

_He found himself walking across the endless field, blades of pea-green grass flexing under the frequent gusts of warm wind. The air appeared to have a thicker quality to it; Naruto almost never felt that secure than while walking through the balmy goodness continuously enveloped in a gooey, sweet element. _

_Weeping maples had been spread around the field without any particular order, droopy branches thrashed around by the wind. Shikamaru waited for him on the grass underneath the crimson crown with a ball of yarn in his hands, and the sight of him took Naruto's breath away. He looked like he belonged here – in this passageway between two worlds made entirely of peace and tranquility, for which Naruto's own universe had no place for. _

'_What is that thing?' _

_He asked, looking at Shikamaru's figure underneath the red maple. He noticed two different treads that the ball of yarn had been made off – red, and black; there must have been a reason for that, Naruto decided; yet he could not, for the life of him, figure out what. _

"_Your life." Shikamaru emitted with just a touch of melancholy. " And mine." _

"_Which one is yours?'_

"_The black one." He clarified, and ordered: "Pull.'_

_For a while, Naruto remained silent. His biggest trouble had always been this inability to deny Shikamaru a single thing, - and look where it got them already; He frowned; found the end of black tread, worrying the fuzzy thing between his fingers. It felt scratchy and soft at the same time, and began to unravel in his hands until he was left a short length of it – too short for Naruto's liking. Too… alone now, separated from the rest of the ball. It filled his palm with a lightweight softness, and he had to close his fingers over it not to let it be blown away by the wind. _

'_What does it mean?' He asked, again. "You have to explain these things to me… "_

"_It means that you can't change the future no matter how much you would want to, sometimes. It means that I love you; I never stopped loving you; and I never will; and that I will see you – soon; _

"_Don't leave me."_

_Naruto begged, only to find himself standing alone in the middle of the emerald field, black thread long forgotten in his hands. Colors around him began to thicken, and bruised clouds appeared on the horizon with a promise of rain; it was now time for him to return. _

"

"Naruto. You little shit. You've set me up.'

Was all he heard before Shikamaru 's weight – much lighter than he remembered, ended up over him – the front of his parka stretched tight when Shikamaru grabbed a handful of it and lifted him off the wooden bench. The boat craned to the side threatening to tip over; Naruto really, really did not want to haul his ass out of freezing water, but stayed quiet under the assault, taking it for what it was worth. He could have easily shaken him off like an angry kitten, blind and whatnot; made Shikamaru stay put until he took control of his emotions; but he felt Shikamaru needed to vent them more than Naruto required not to be roughened up at the moment;

"What did you want me to do huh? It was the only way I could get you to come with me!" He wheezed, when icy fingers wrapped around his throat in a choking hold. 'It was the only way, Shikamaru, don't you understand? The only way!"

In the middle of their one sided struggle, Shikamaru suddenly deflated, and with pitiful moan sagged in Naruto's arms. Naruto stroked his heaving back while the coughing lasted, and refrained from speaking for the time being. The prickly sting across his chilled cheeks and forehead was telling him that it started to snow, with that signaling the nearing end of their journey on water.

"How could you, Naruto? " Shikamaru rasped, afterwards, boneless in Naruto's embrace – oddly docile. " How could you? Your eyes… for me? Why?"

"Because I love you; because I never stopped loving you; and I never will;"

Naruto explained, patiently, as if talking to a small child, overjoyed with possibility that Shikamaru might let him continue to hold him now for as long Naruto wanted.

"But you are …blind because of me…"

"And you are sick because of me. So now we are even."

"I never wanted us to be even. "

"I know, baby. But life, sometimes, has a funny way of turning things around. Are you gonna try to choke me again?"

"No." Shikamaru sobbed and sniffled into Naruto's chest, and seemed to still for several seconds." I think I've over exceeded all of my energy resources."

"You've even made a dent in mine, it seems."

"How did you know? I have not told anyone that I was sick – only Chouji. But he kept quiet, or you would have discharged me from active duty a long time ago…"

"It's funny, how you think of me as dumb. I mean – I might be not as smart as you, but I've been able to run the village for, I don't know – past eight years?"

" I am – very proud of you. I never thought of you as dumb."

"You did not think I would notice you suddenly loosing weight, coughing, the fatigue – the blood in your spit? That I would not do everything in my power to find out what's going on with you? It's not like I ever stopped stalking you in the first place."

He confessed, as an afterthought, voice softening when Shikamaru slid his hands inside the parka, to wrap them around Naruto's midsection that emitted heat like the bread oven.

The boat drifted for a while without direction or anybody to point it in one; water splashing against the sides with a soft, lulling sound, filling Naruto with a sense of well being; if he could only stay like this forever – drifting to his destination with Shikamaru in his arms, just the two of them against the world – everything he ever wanted, really. They would be all aright; throughout the eternity, together - and it would be enough;

"It's just a folk tale, you know. Portal between the worlds that can cure the worst of the maladies… or make your most scared wish come true… there is no proof that it actually exists…"

Shikamaru mumbled into his chest, sleepily, before Naruto felt him succumb to the exhaustion of a day's long travel without a nap break, using his body as a pillow. He was glad to be of service for as long as Shikamaru needed it; if he just kept on breathing;

"It exists." Naruto insisted, needing to believe in that mantra right now even more than Shikamaru himself. _"It exists."_

"

He was walking through a long corridor filled with smoke that obscured his vision almost completely. Breathing became difficult a long time ago, and he tried not to concentrate on it. He would come out to be all right – he always did; for a reason unknown, Kyuubi had always been able to protect him.

The acrid smell of gas filed his nose and lungs and fogged his mind; it had been thick and foul; Naruto realized he began choking on it, feeling disoriented and weak.

"What did you get yourself into this time, boy?"

Kyuubi's unhappy grumble sliced through the fog in his brain like a razor sharp kunai bringing things into focus again; making it easier to breathe and see.

"None of your business."

He replied, trying to gather his wits together. A big fucking mess, is what.

"It's always my business when you try to kill yourself one way or another."

' Why not let me die, than? You'd be free."

"Does not work that way, stupid boy." Kyuubi decided to humor him with a conversation. " You should know it by now."

"Then stop yammering and help me."

"Not so easy.' Fox admitted, albeit reluctantly. " Your body is weakened by the fumes; you can't walk on your own; I can protect your lungs from damage for a while longer, but I can't carry your ass out of here;

He had been on the ground probably for some time now – to weak to stand up; unable to see anything through the veil of smoke suspended over and all around him, feeling the last of his consciousness seep out slowly of his sluggish brain.

"Naruto." Shikamaru voice, close, yet so far away, made him get an instant grip on the reality. "You need to help me; I can't -see anything; ask Nine Tails how to find the exit; ask him to guide us out of here;

"You came back."

Naruto let out a long sigh. Had it all been a dream – their fight last night? The shouting and accusations, and finally – the final sound of a closing door that left a hole in Naruto's heart the size of Konoha? It must have been; or Shikamaru would not have been back for him here today.

"Somebody had to."

"You idiot. This gas is dangerous."

Naruto wanted to scream at him for this foolishness, but he needed his vocal cords to work to get them out of here.

"I know." Naruto felt the strain with which Shikamaru had lifted his weight off of the ground –he had at least forty pounds over the guy, – and wanted to make it easier for him; but there just had not been a way that he could. _"Ask, Naruto." _

'

"_It's nothing that you have done; not consciously, at least. On the contrary – you've done all you could to make me happy."_

"_Then – what? I don't understand."_

" _I am tired of existing alongside Sasuke's ghost. You … talk about him – saving him, or whatever, relentlessly. It's that stupid picture on your desk; the shouting in your sleep; that look in your eyes when the subject comes up…"_

" _I was not aware that I've been doing any of that; not for the reason that you think… I can watch myself closer…I can try…"_

"_Oh Naruto…" Shikamaru sighed, face drawn and determined in a way that screamed that the final decision has been made. "I know you weren't' aware; and I don't want you to try anything on my behalf; I am all or nothing kind of guy– but I knew what I was getting into from the beginning. It's nobody's fault… but my own." _

"_You are wrong. "The only person I ever loved is you."_

_Naruto pleaded in a quiet voice searching for the right thing to say. He was never good with words, or long explanations; actions usually spoke for him instead of words loud enough. He never felt he needed to learn the skill. By the set look of Shikamaru's face, he knew that changing his mind would be tantamount to Sasuke coming back to Konoha and asking forgiveness for all the bad he had done. No matter what Naruto would say – if he found anything to say at all – it would not have made any difference right now. _

" _Why am I not enough for you, then?" Shikamaru managed to keep the bitterness out of his voice to the point where his question sounded almost lighthearted. "I am sorry Naruto… but this is a good bye..." _

"

"Naruto.'

"What?'

"I am tired."

"I know. I am tired, too. We have just a day left to go – we are almost there."

"We have to rest a bit; I know it's not what you want to hear right now, but there is no way I am making there alive if we keep on walking. There is a cave up ahead – I've looked inside, and it's decent enough to sleep in. Let's rest until tomorrow, and then we can start walking again."

Naruto frowned, dead tired and weary; even more reluctant to accept Shikamaru's suggestion. It felt wrong to stop right now, to loose the whole night of precious time; the time they did not have to begin with;

"We are really close, Shikamaru. Let's just buck up and keep on walking. You can do it."

"I can't."

Came a soft, barely audible admission, and Naruto's knew they would not be going anywhere tonight.

"No?

"No."

"I'll carry you."

"And then we both drop dead and freeze few miles away from here. You'll never make it, Naruto. We have to stop."

"

"_Help me." _

"_I did all I could." Came a regretful reply from inside his head, knowing fox sounding like he truly meant it." You over exhausted yourself, boy. I could probably give you an extra push to get there on your own – but not with his weight on your hands. "_

"_Please."_

"_I would; really; I do owe you, you know… But… I can't. Tomorrow, - we can do more; tonight – you need to sleep." _

"

"Fine." Naruto relented, unwillingly, mind heavy and restless with his decision. "Let's stop."


	5. Chapter 5

_This will not, by any means, have a traditional happy ending; Please read it at your own risk; if anybody is so inclined, there is plenty of room to speculate on this particular finale; I do it myself all the time…_

"

"How did you hear about the…. map?"

"A friend.'

"You suck at being elusive, you know."

"I know."

Naruto agreed, resting his head on his knees, falling silent for a while after that. Maybe it had not been such a bad idea to stop. Shikamaru's voice cracking when he said he could not walk any further lodged in his mind; he would've done almost anything to make it disappear. And he had been – so very tired.

"Some friend."

Shikamaru snorted from the far corner of the cave. He sounded relaxed – livelier; almost like the old times. Having learned to be grateful for small pleasures in life during this journey, Naruto smiled.

"He is a friend."

He still insisted.

"A friend would have given you the map; he would not have taken your eyes for it."

Shikamaru's voice got closer, and Naruto got a whiff of the familiar scent, akin to what blossoming cherry trees spread early in spring; sweetness laced with bitter, tangy and subtle at the same time. He could barely distinguish it though, underneath heavier odor of old sweat, and the ever-present, heady scent of sickness.

"It does not work that way. In order for a map to change hands, one needs to sacrifice something in return."

"And what did your friend sacrificed to get it? His eyes?

"A lot more than just his eyes. "

Shikamaru huffed.

"Are we still talking about the warden, Naruto? You know the guy?"

"He is not the warden; and you know him, too."

It felt nice to be warm, Naruto mused; not walking anywhere for a change, all the motion temporarily seized, as if they have been granted an interlude of sorts. A chance to do something –he had not been exactly sure what, but something important. Settle things between the two of them, maybe, once and for all; ask for forgiveness. Or simply fuck; it's not like Naruto had not been thinking about the latter, relentlessly, since their confrontation on the boat.

"So, you did not save him after all."

Shikamaru's voice rang too calm and measured in the stillness of the cave to be anything but - fake.

"I could not save somebody who did not want to be saved. But I am okay with that, now. I am -sorry for being too busy pursuing the idea of saving him, that I missed you being miserable with me. I could try blaming my obstinacy, or over confidence for that. I never learned how to deal with either… You are the last person in the world I ever wanted to hurt– and I still managed to do just that."

"I was never miserable with you. I…loved you, Naruto. There are always two people to blame, you know."

"I guess we both are…"

"Stupid."

Silver bells of Shikamaru's laughter had been all the answers that Naruto needed to hear. They told him that people made mistakes. That they both made enough mistakes to last a lifetime, but it had not been too late to fix them, as long as they both wanted it. And they both wanted it – he was now sure of it. That Naruto has been forgiven; and that he forgave in return.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Just wondering."

"About?"

" If we gonna fuck tonight or not."

"That , I guess, depends."

"On what, honey?'

"Are you… gonna stay with me till the end, Naruto?"

The sense desolation pervaded him and it became hard to breath or think; an utter, bleak despair that overcome his whole being, the undiluted essence of it making him face the possible outcome of their journey. Naruto tilted his head backwards, pressed the eyelids tight sealing the moisture inside.

"Finally taking my offer of forever?"

"I took it the first time; if you did not believe it, you would not be here."

"I had my doubts. But … no –, I will not leave you die alone. If that's what you asking."

"_Because you won't die; "_

"Then yeah, I guess so. We are gonna fuck."

"

Naruto felt tired, body and soul, after the mission, exhaustion seeping in through the cracks of an ever-tough exterior. He wanted a nice, long shower, a warm body to curl up next too after going through debriefing and getting back to his lonely apartment; a minimum of six hours of undisturbed sleep. The shower, at least, he had a fair chance of getting.

There was a sound of water running; not that he particularly wanted to see anyone at this hour, but he was not worried about being harassed either. His friends chosen to avoid lengthy conversations over the course of his recent, yet swift climb to power. For the first time in his life, he gave up worrying about it , completely giving up on the idea of acceptance among his peers. Come to think of it, he did not need it anymore. Being the man he has become suited him much better than a man he'd once wanted to be, which, he knew with a hundred percent certainty now, had been a pipe dream from the beginning. This, now, - was _fine_. _Naruto was fine._

It did not hurt that found himself a new best friend; Naruto had been man enough to admit that he started hanging out with Shikamaru because his ass looked amazing in tight fitting inform pants, and the mesh guards made him hot. Not to mention that he always been a sucker for great looking arms, and Shikamaru's seemed to have the best ones he ever seen. They began meeting for a drink after a mission, sometimes, and then Shikamaru taught him to play shogi. Somewhere in between Naruto unwillingly learned what kind of man it took to befriend a lonely outcast he had been all those year ago. A very brave one, at that; sweet, loyal, and pretty much all around utterly self –sacrificing; the one who'd always done the right thing,- no matter the cost.

He saw a green uniform folded on a low bench, mesh guards and black hair tie placed carefully on top. Shikamaru was such a girl, sometimes. Naruto smirked and walked inside the communal room partially dominated by steam from recently ran shower. He halted his step , thinking he should have knocked first, - let his presence known somehow; but he never bothered with things like these before.

Shikamaru did not hear him come in – rising on his tippy toes to get a towel from top shelf, wet hair plastered all over naked shoulders. Lovely view, really – a work of art who's creator had been unmistakably in love with his model.

Boy had a lot of ink on him. On his left shoulder, a beautiful koi fish with a head of a dragon climbed the waterfall that begun at the juncture between the shoulder and neck; long tendons played down the expanse of narrow back with a scarlet row of kanji along the entire the length of his spine ending just above the swell of that gorgeous, gorgeous ass, perfectly round, with more then enough definition. It looked great filling the standard issue uniform pants, but without them – Naruto had no idea anything could ever look that good. Snaking above the flexing triceps broken cherry blossom bands in black ink circled his upper arms, and when Shikamaru turned around he had a smile like the sun.

"Make some noise, or something Naruto. Wanna give a guy a heart tack?"

"I was … waiting."

"For?"

He asked, hands already busy gathering the wet strands to tie it in a low pony tail at the base of his neck; there had been more ink on his abdomen below the bellybutton – honestly, when did he have time for any of that? Another, shorter line of kanji on a place where a lover's trail should be, but Shikamaru seemed to have little to no hair everywhere else but his head, -disappearing behind the wrap of white towel.

"A shower."

"All yours."

He shrugged and sauntered past him moving like a panther, lithe and long limbed, - all too graceful for the man in their line of work.

"One day.' Naruto wowed, watching him go. "One day, you will be."

"

"Naruto. Are you thinking about the showers again?

Shikamaru seemed to stifle a laugh.

"Hmm….how did you know?

"You have idiotic smile on your face and you eyebrows climb up to your hairline."

" It's my ultimate jerk off fantasy, you know." Naruto gave Shikamaru a close lipped kiss enjoying the feel of dry lips against is own, fascinated by the familiarity of the gesture; something he dreamt of doing for the two whole years. "That day, after you left, I stayed in there forever…. "

"Imagined you made slow love to me for hours?"

" I was seventeen."

"Right."

"I imagined that I ripped that towel off, pinned you to the wall and fucked you without stopping to take a breath."

"You should've."

"You'd let me?'

"Maybe."

Shikamaru forced Naruto's lips open with a gentle pressure of his tongue, eyelashes fluttering like a newborn butterfly trapped inside the glass jar against Naruto's heated cheeks.

Who have you been with? "Naruto asked, jealousy suddenly taking root in his heart. "During the past two years…"

" Don't ask - if you don't want to hear the answer."

"I don't." Naruto agreed, grim. "But I still have to ask. Anyone I know?'

Naruto knew a man in love when he saw one; no matter what Shikamaru said trying to prove him wrong, he had always been dead sure Chouji harbored exactly the kind of feelings for his teammate he had been violently against off.

"Nobody you know."

He ached to make him whole again; vibrant, and sassy, and healthy, and alive. Moving his hands searchingly up and down Shikamaru's skinny back Naruto become overcome with a distantly prophetic sensation that his efforts might not bring the desired results; that it would take nothing less than a small miracle to cure Shikamaru's disease; that for all he knew it could very well be the last time for them – to be together.

"Naruto." Shikamaru sighed with just a hint of answering sadness." You soaking my shirt. "

"Sorry." Naruto whispered back_. "So, so sorry."_

"It's gonna be all right."

"I know."

'We have not got all night. I am kind of beat."

"Way to ruin the mood, Shikamaru."

Naruto drawled and spun him around to face the wall, bracing him against it in a practiced move. Desire came back to him at once, spreading from within in pulsing, velvety ripples, chasing the rest of the thoughts away and out of his head. If it had to be for the last time, he better make I memorable – for both of them.

"

The strangest thing of all, that as attuned as Naruto had been with Shikamaru's soul, feeling keenly every slight change in his mood throughout this whole trip, he did not feel him - go. Did not feel the string connecting them snap, until the moment that he'd woken up and realized that something had gone horribly wrong; He could only hear the sound of one person breathing, and that person was him, Shikamaru's dark head eerily still in the crook of his arm.

He rearranged Shikamaru's head on the pillow next to his own, carefully gathering loose strands back into the pony tail, as well as he could without being able to see and found the goose down blanket at the foot of the makeshift cot. It's not that he did not understand dead did not feel the cold – it was realization that Shikamaru was really dead he had trouble with.

Numb. He felt numb – devoid of sense of grief, or anguish over his loss. His brain told him he did not register the fact yet, but he would, given time –that it was vital to make the feeling of numbness last for as long as possible.

"I am sorry you did not make it."

The familiar voice commiserated on the left of him, stale air of the cave blowing over Naruto's face when Sasuke sat down next to him, with a sigh.

"How are my eyes working for you, Sasuke?"

He asked in a hollow voice, that sounded strange – foreign even to his own ears, some of the blissful numbness beginning to disappear. Soon, the reality would trickle down his somnolent mind replacing the numbness completely, and then… then he would not care about anything, anymore.

"I enjoy them quite a lot."

"Say… Did you know it was going to be like this? Did you know he would not make it?"

"No; of course not. "

He sounded sincere enough; come to think about it, Naruto did not care one way or another if Sasuke's been telling the truth. It did not make any difference.

"I can help you get back to Konoha;" Sasuke offered after the silence stretched for minutes, and later, hours." I know my company might be not be what you want right now, but you'll never find a way back on your own."

"There is no way bay back. The only way is forward."

"What do you want to do?"

"I want you to help me get to the portal; I still want to go inside."

"Naruto."

"What?"

"I've seen many things – things you have not the slightest clue about; and you're lucky, in that way, because they are not nice things; I've seen far more then you, or probably anyone who ever walked the face of Shinobi world; but I have never seen… or heard… of anyone – who came back from the dead. Would really – want him too?"

"No." Naruto answered, voice raw like the newly torn ligament; oozing pain. "I would not want him too."

"Then… what?"

"I've given my eyes for that map; I still want to ask for my most sacred wish."

"I'll help you. I don't understand why, I will help you get there. I owe you this much."

"What is there to not understand? If you love somebody … you will do anything – anything in the world to be with them. Have you ever loved somebody, Sasuke? Really loved somebody?"

"When I was very young. "Sasuke elucidated. " So long ago that I can barely recall what the whole fuss is about. I do remember feeling pretty shitty when he … left. So yeah, I guess I have had loved somebody; but by the time we got a chance to talk, it turned out to be too late – for both us."

"I thought it was something like that." Naruto decided that he would not cry again – not today. He still had unfinished business to do; miles to walk; a body to carry. "Let's go."

Sasuke had been right – he would not have made it back to Konoha himself; he would not have made it to the portal, either; hell, he could barely make it out of the cave without help – having the burden of Shikamaru's very dead weight on his hands now.

"We'll take turns." Sasuke said simply.

"I thought you only had one leg."

"And a really nice prosthetic other. I am not as weak as I appear- far from it, actually."

Naruto agreed to take what had been offered; he needed all the help that he could get.

"

"We are here."

"What did you ask from that place… when you went?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"I never went."

"You sure went through the hell of a lot of trouble to get your hands on the map; you gave up so much – and you asked nothing? You never went?"

He was glad for Sasuke's company right now – talking kept his thought from running wild; taking over his mind with despair blacker then anything he ever experienced. He would get the mere taste of it; then forced the emotion spiraling stubbornly upwards back into the depth of his soul, willing for it stay put a while longer.

"I never went." Sasuke repeated, softly. "I did not get it for myself, you know. I heard that you were looking for one, so… I got it for you. I knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy that had it. He did not need the map anymore; as it turns out, you can only use it once."

"Sasuke…after all these years of me trying to save you… you end up being the one to save me?'

"You can only save somebody who wants to be saved, Naruto. I tried to explain this to you many, many times over - but you never seemed to want to listen. but… its better this way, don't you think?"

"We can go in, together; technically, you can still ask for something; you can – try."

"I've made my peace with my losses. I will get there when I get there; I am… fine. I've done a lot of things I am not proud of, and I need to make them right; You – you go on though.

"Thanks, Sasuke."

"_What is that you want most of all, Naruto? What is your most sacred wish?"_

"Don't mention it. And… good luck."

"

_And suddenly, he is able to see again; the blindingly white room with a cone shaped ceiling, walls lined with bookshelves, and and bookshelves with books. Half open window with curtains whipping in the wind, through which familiar smells of Konoha and fly away blossoms enter the sleepy realm. They pepper birch floorboards with delicate, pink flowers, and when Naruto's eyes fall over the tousled head making an indent in the pillow, he is lost all the ability to form coherent thoughts._

_Broken rays of sunlight wash over the grand bed illuminating sleeping figure with the rippled, golden hue, and a slender body curled in a sleeping position, chest puffing up and down, peacefully, with every breath._

_Shikamaru's dark lashes lay deep shadows over the tops of pale cheeks; Naruto can clearly see the corners of the too big for such a fine boned face mouth tremble in the beginnings of a smile. On the twisted to the view left shoulder, brilliantly colored koi is climbing the waterfall. Naruto's eyes glide appreciatively over the line of kanji that slices the narrow back all the way from the cervical to the sacral vertebrae, and the lower part of long body modestly covered by the crispy, white sheet._

"_Is that something you had in mind?" Voice, suspiciously similar to Sasuke's, enters his thoughts, neither trying to cajole nor dissuade; simply bemused in its enquiry." Is that where you want to be, Naruto?'_

_Shikamaru opens his eyes, and blinks, slow smile spreading molasses over the aching muscle below Naruto's breastbone; asking him for nothing, because everything has already been given;_

"_It's exactly what I had in mind." Naruto's own voice sounds like he'd been walking through the desert for days eating nothing but sand that made his throat raw and dried up his vocal cords. He takes Shikamaru's hand into his own feeling the moment still, everything else momentarily fade to the back of his mind. "And this is exactly where I want to be.'_


End file.
